Wordful Wednesday//Tired Bones

(Edit: Yes, I just realized it's Monday but oh my gosh, oh well!)


F A T I G U E

There it is. Just one of my many symptoms, yet one of the worst.

And not just any fatigue--doctors who understand Lyme disease usually list it as severe fatigue.
Can you imagine being so tired that you wake up in the morning and have to decide between putting on makeup or eating? And you have to make a choice like this every day. Multiple times. Until eventually there are no more choices to make because you're so dead tired you just collapse.

Fatigue from a chronically ill person's perspective means saying, "I can't" to so many social and scheduled events that your head spins. It means sleep is not the cure. It means "stuck in bed" is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.

When you are healthy and catch a cold, rest is imperative to restoring you back to your original health. Right? I mean I do still remember being quite healthy, sitting on the couch watching soap operas on TV with my mom's chicken noodle soup, nodding off. When I woke up from a nap, I felt better! I remember that. That's definitely noteworthy. It's so much different with a chronic illness; we can't seem to catch up fast enough to that restoration point. We're too sick. We're run down.

I feel like I never have enough time for my body and mind to rest enough. If you notice, lately, I haven't been posting a lot on the blog. It's sad because I'm constantly thinking about all these blog posts I could write about...but I just can't afford to put forth my energy on them at the time. (Sad but true.) It's also hard labeling myself as a writer yet finding myself too tired to write. Will my career advance? Was college all for nothing? You can see why my anxiety levels are so high.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I get kind of angry towards those who say I'm so lucky to have the time to nap. WHAT THE WHAT? I have the time because I'm sick and unable to work. I nap because it is essential. My body has to take a nap every day just like it has to go to the bathroom (graphic!). It's just something my body does, and without it, I'd be an even bigger mess.

So yes, I'm a mess. I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm frustrated and I want to be the girl who can go out and have fun and stay up with friends, having the night of her life. I want to travel and see the world and not have to worry about how far I have to walk or if I have to schedule the day around my nap(s). I hate to say it, but I'm tired of being tired.

I just sit in bed with my pile of pillows, feeling like a waste of space. After all the zombie books and films that I took interest in, I finally became one.

{Widened Horizons}

It's just a quiet day here in North Carolina for me.
Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer with a hot mug of Chamomile Mint tea and a lovely candle burning in the corner.
I hope you are having a nice, peaceful, restful day as well.

To make it even better, here's some great finds for you to lock your eyes onto.



If you've been in the drinking mood like I have, you know how important it is to have a drinking glass that's in good spirits ;)
I found this "rules of drinking" cocktail glass from Urban Outfitters, and it just tickled my funny bone so of course I had to share!




I'm in desperate need of a better way to organize my notepads, magazines, and other odds and ends. This vintage organizer would be perfect for me, dontcha think?




I really do adore the whole "stamped silverware" fad. Especially when it involves spoons and tea.
I think something like this chai-inspired spoon would be a perfect gift, too!




Now this, this ring is just unbelievably gorgeous! I love how unique it is. The crocheted piece is something I really dig.




This geometric wooden iPhone case uses colors that match my style and that also just look rad. Definitely going in for the buy on this one.




This week's owl find is a rolling pin engraved with an owl pattern! It doesn't get much better than that when it comes to kitchen utensils.




Something that is really important to me this year and something that I believe everyone should know:

 Quick Links:

• Germ-resistant scarf! 

• 20 awesome untranslatable words  

• Awesome hidden rooms     (Image of my favorite below)

Have a good one!

Book Review: Dark Prayer by Natasha Mostert

 

*I received a free copy of this book from NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

Goodreads description (x): 

Eloise Blake is on the run from a life she can no longer remember. And from a killer who will stop at nothing to protect a secret as old as time. From the award-winning author of SEASON OF THE WITCH comes a thriller about memory, identity and the murderous consequences of a quest gone wrong.

My rating:  4 out of 5 hoots

 

 As you can see in my earlier post, I decided this year to take on the "Around the World" reading challenge where I track on a map the places characters in the books I read travel to. It was so exciting visually spotting where everyone went to, not just imagining it! I can't wait to do this with every book I read this year. 

Reading Dark Prayer, an enthralling novel all about memory (and parkour), was a stretch for me at first. I thought the parkour segments were going to be too far out of my comfort zone because I wouldn't understand half of what was being explained, and I figured from what was first detailed that the memory bits would leave me feeling fatigued because the author would go too in-depth.

What I came to realize was that the book was actually surprisingly easy to read. Easier than I would've thought, by far. And that's what made it so enjoyable. Although this is the first book I've read for 2015, it has already made me want to read more for the year because everything just flowed so well and was so well-written. There were a great deal of quotes that I wanted to...quote...

 I came to learn a lot about parkour, or free running, and like I said on my Facebook page, reading this book made me nostalgic for my high school days when I saw a few buddies try it out. My friends, of course, were just beginners compared to these characters. Jungles, the name of the most skilled free runner of the bunch, is pretty much a ninja, and the author does a great job of describing how he (and the others) ran and climbed and jumped. But that doesn't mean the author of Dark Prayer treats you like you're automatically knowledgeable in the ways of imagining someone free running. Instead, Natasha Mostert lays the sport of parkour out in a way that is understandable to us amateurs without being condescending to those who actually have a good grip on the skill.

You could tell extensive research had to be done--both in parkour and in psychological matters. There's even a link to a real article in the Kindle edition of the book. In college, I minored in Psychology and volunteered at a traumatic brain injury rehab facility. So I like to think I know a fair amount about memory (and the absence of it). At least, I'm interested in it. The way Mostert incorporated aspects of psychology--especially regarding memory and trauma--into the life of main character Eloise was fascinating because it was realistic. However, I never once felt like I was reading a case story or out of a textbook when it came to these points.

Our main character is caught in a fugue state--this is what has caused her to wipe out all memory loss of her former and original self, Jenilee Gray, and to establish a new self, Eloise Blake. She has created new memories for herself. A new mother, a new father--circus performers. A new name. A new identity. If you think about my previous book review of Stella Bain and to PTSD, this almost sounds similar, doesn't it? Well, both do revolve around memory.

I've often thought how neat it would be to create a new identity for myself, leaving my past behind. But I wouldn't be me; I want my memories, all of them. The problem with Eloise, however, is that she did not consciously form for herself a new identity. And maybe there's something else going on behind the scenes. Gasp.

Now, there is another main character--named Jack--that I haven't meant to leave out, necessarily, but I just didn't find him to be that appealing. He wasn't near as interesting to me as Eloise, at least. But I can't leave out his name because 1) He's important to the story. And 2) I'm about to make a joke about him.

If you do decide to read this book, you'll be surprised at how fast you fly through it.
If you don't, then at least take these pointers I learned along my reading journey:

• Forming a science group based in part on Aleister Crowley's own teachings is a good sign of what you should never do. 
• If you go to a house where someone just called you from and the front door is wide open with no one answering your voice, please back your rear end up, get into your car, and put it in drive. 
• If nightmares always seem to end with someone getting scratch marks across the face in books like these, shouldn't someone just trim their nails? 
• Lastly, I don't know about you, but if I was a free runner and my name was Jack, I would call myself "Jack-B-Quick," wouldn't you?? Cue laughter.  (Okay, less of a caution and more of a joke, but still...)

And on that good note, I'm off to read another book on this nasty, chilly day!

Playlist: "Underneath Silence"

 



I've been listening to a lot of music lately, and it's inspired me to write.
Short things, usually. Typically poems.
I can't write and listen to music at the same time, but the atmosphere of the songs linger. That leaves me capable of putting the moods down onto paper. In my own way, in my own voice.

I found a few songs that I have listened to and enjoyed, but not written to yet. I'm going to do that today. Maybe you can be up for the challenge too?

For instance, sometimes a particular part of a song will remind you of some memory. One time a song took me back to a Valentine's Day date at Olive Garden and how much I still cherished that memory. I wrote down everything I could remember about that day and my feelings toward it--pretty much just letting every word flow, not overthinking it--and then I looked at what I had already written and turned all those feelings and words into a poem. Let me know if you do try or want more advice on how to get started! 


As for the songs...


I love the vocals in this song oh so much! "At Home" does remind me of a few different songs combined, but maybe that's what makes it so enjoyable.





And... This is recently one of my favorites, but for some reason, the beginning reminds me of "Where Is My Mind" by the Pixies. Also, CLAPPING.

Reading Challenge: Around the World 2015

Around the World, a reading challenge hosted by the blog All About Books, is something I'll be undertaking this year. I'm pretty excited about it because I've been wanting to read more diverse books, and, it's always fun to actually have a visual on where your characters travel to in this crazy world.

The challenge doesn't propose any win of sorts--it's just a way to get you reading!
There are also numerous mini-challenges which you can choose to participate in, but I haven't actually decided whether or not I'm up for that great of a challenge yet.

My map is going to be stationed here:



This is going to be so interesting! Join me and the rest of the bloggers participating if you dare by clicking on this link!

Wordful Wednesday//My Take on Resolutions for 2015

Did I make any New Year's resolutions for 2015? I did; however, they were more like...suggestions.
You see, every year--like I'm sure most people do--I want a clean slate.
To "eat better," "work out more," "try new things," "do ___ more often," etc.
But when those things don't always happen (for whatever reason), no matter what excuse I can make, I always pin the blame back on myself.
I'm tired of doing that. It's stressful, and it's no better for me than simply not setting any new resolutions at all. I just want to shake myself and say, "Hey. Be you this year. Maybe be a better you if you can. I mean, if that works out. If it doesn't, that's OK too."

I don't want to share the few suggestions I made for myself. Some say if shared, it allows for others to help support them and allow them to take their resolutions more seriously. Great on them. If I shared mine, I think I would only share the resolutions I felt "worthiest" and most "appropriate" for the public--and then I probably wouldn't even attempt those because they wouldn't be the ones closest to my heart or well-being.

So, the few true suggestions that I made and that I kept all to myself are for me to account for. Me and only me. If I don't do this or don't do that for a day or two, it's fine! ONLY I KNOW. I feel like that leaves less stress on my behalf and Lord knows I'm all about keeping stress to a minimum.

I feel like resolutions are just one more way for us to be weighed down by strict guidelines and/or deadlines.
It's like taking a college course that you've failed so many times before you don't even know why you keep signing up. Eventually, you take the failed class so many times that you're not allowed to take it anymore.
What to do next? Go forward with life without that class! Without that class's syllabus, guidelines, deadlines, lectures, failures. That's what I'm doing this year with my minimal suggestions and my RESOLUTION not to share them.

I am beginning fresh this year. By allowing myself to, for the first time since I can remember, remove a heavy burden from my shoulders. And that burden has been trying to conform to the notion that there are no excuses for failure, especially when you yourself are the one setting up the goals for potential failure. We all have excuses, and that's nothing to be ashamed about. I just don't want to blame myself any longer. I don't want to look back at the past and say I did ___ a lot more then. But I also don't want to daydream and say I'm definitely going to be doing ___ so much in the future! (psshh)
If I'm going to be working with any kind of system, I want it to involve me living in the present.

I'm going to listen to me more. I'm going to listen to God more.
By doing so, I hope I can come across what I am meant to do this year.


Happy New Year, folks! Spend it well.