26 January 2015

Wordful Wednesday//Tired Bones

(Edit: Yes, I just realized it's Monday but oh my gosh, oh well!)


There it is. Just one of my many symptoms, yet one of the worst.

And not just any fatigue--doctors who understand Lyme disease usually list it as severe fatigue.
Can you imagine being so tired that you wake up in the morning and have to decide between putting on makeup or eating? And you have to make a choice like this every day. Multiple times. Until eventually there are no more choices to make because you're so dead tired you just collapse.

Fatigue from a chronically ill person's perspective means saying, "I can't" to so many social and scheduled events that your head spins. It means sleep is not the cure. It means "stuck in bed" is pretty much exactly what it sounds like.

When you are healthy and catch a cold, rest is imperative to restoring you back to your original health. Right? I mean I do still remember being quite healthy, sitting on the couch watching soap operas on TV with my mom's chicken noodle soup, nodding off. When I woke up from a nap, I felt better! I remember that. That's definitely noteworthy. It's so much different with a chronic illness; we can't seem to catch up fast enough to that restoration point. We're too sick. We're run down.

I feel like I never have enough time for my body and mind to rest enough. If you notice, lately, I haven't been posting a lot on the blog. It's sad because I'm constantly thinking about all these blog posts I could write about...but I just can't afford to put forth my energy on them at the time. (Sad but true.) It's also hard labeling myself as a writer yet finding myself too tired to write. Will my career advance? Was college all for nothing? You can see why my anxiety levels are so high.

I know I've mentioned this before, but I get kind of angry towards those who say I'm so lucky to have the time to nap. WHAT THE WHAT? I have the time because I'm sick and unable to work. I nap because it is essential. My body has to take a nap every day just like it has to go to the bathroom (graphic!). It's just something my body does, and without it, I'd be an even bigger mess.

So yes, I'm a mess. I'm tired and I'm sad and I'm frustrated and I want to be the girl who can go out and have fun and stay up with friends, having the night of her life. I want to travel and see the world and not have to worry about how far I have to walk or if I have to schedule the day around my nap(s). I hate to say it, but I'm tired of being tired.

I just sit in bed with my pile of pillows, feeling like a waste of space. After all the zombie books and films that I took interest in, I finally became one.

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